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The thing about numbers…

… is that they’re emotional.

How, you ask? Here is how.

Seven is my favorite number and even my lucky number. There are 7 days in a week, 7 notes in the music scale, 7 colors in a rainbow, 7 continents, and there are 7 seas. Because of this, Dave and I chose to get married on the 7th of the month.

The day we got married was 9/7/13. We were wed by my Uncle Doug and he was a very special man. He was funny and wise, he loved food, and he was the patriarch of my family after my grandfather passed away. It just so happened that 9/7 was also Doug’s Mother’s birthday.

Ceremony Photo

Desmond was due on 6/30/14, but wouldn’t you know he came a week early? The day he arrived (6/24) was Uncle Dougie and Auntie Cindy’s wedding anniversary. Ironic, right?

Today is April 11th and it was my due date. I found out baby #2 was coming in August 2015 and we were so happy. Not just because we were growing our family and making Desmond a big brother, but because Desmond was also going to be a big cousin. My sister was also pregnant – just 3 short weeks ahead of us!

We went for our first prenatal appointment in September and at 9 weeks, there was no heartbeat. The ‘baby’ just stopped growing at 6 weeks. I know this isn’t a baby, but it was a pregnancy that we wanted, and I had already imagined what life would be like when we became a family of four. We waited two weeks to pass the miscarriage naturally but that didn’t happen. I had to have a D&C and experience the loss all over again.

I felt a wide range of emotion leading up to today. I was sad that the age gap between Desi and his little sibling was growing wider and wider apart. I was angry and my body for failing me when everything went so smoothly the first time. I was upset that the pregnancy pact my sister and I ‘planned’ was no longer happening. I was having serious baby fever and was counting down the days that I would get to love and care for a sweet little newborn again.

Then there’s the flip-side.

I have loved every minute of extra time with my awesome little boy. I recognized that I could give him more of me for an extended period of time. I could use that time to take him all in, and appreciate all of his ups and downs and new skills without sacrifice. I was relieved that the science inside me knew it wasn’t the right time – even if my conscious mind didn’t see it that way. I was proud and happy to be by my sister’s side throughout her pregnancy and looked forward to her welcoming her little girl into this world. Now she’s here, she’s perfect, and I am lucky to be her Aunt.

Me and my niece

So today is April 11th and I am sad. But there is a flip-side.

Today is also my sister and brother-in-law’s first anniversary. It was one year ago that we were all in sunny Florida, celebrating love, joking about them having babies, and spending quality time with family. For all of these memories, I am so very happy and so very fortunate. I have an amazing family (both immediate and extended). I am lucky to be alive and healthy. I know I will have another baby when I’m meant to.

Until then, I am staying hopeful, positive, optimistic, and continuing to love every minute of every day. Also, I can’t wait to see what my next due date will be and how that number will change my life again.

2 Responses to “The thing about numbers…”

  1. Mom says:

    You are also one of 7 grand daughters of an incredible matriarch who imparts her wisdom to her loving family. One of many lifes lesson she has instilled in me… is that things will happen in life that you have no control over… you just move forward… . You are part of a family consisting of strong, loving women with an unbreakable family bond, who will always have your back and support you through all challenges that come your way…. With much love to my amazing passionate daughter…. Mom

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